Easy choices, hard life. Hard choices, easy life. -Jerzy Gregorek
I’d like to think I won’t find myself standing in CVS six months from now with my newborn stressing over which diaper brand to go with. Getting back home only to find myself unable to give due time and energy to choosing a bank for my baby’s 529 education fund. The truth is that I tire easily and it’s often not because I’m low energy, I tire easily because of what I’m exerting my energy on. American author Tim Ferris says that we only have so much bandwidth for decision making, so we better prioritize how we’re allotting our time spent on them.
I have struggled significantly with this in recent years, distributing weight to places it doesn’t belong, as my battle with anxiety takes up more and more space in my life. How is anxiety relevant to decision making? As a Psychology Today article states:
Your anxious brain is telling you that the way to feel less anxious is to analyze more—this is a bad idea.
Standing in an isle endlessly contemplating diaper brands is an extreme, but it is a simple analogy for what I’m trying to improve on. Having decided to dedicate the next five months to strengthening my values and improving my habits before baby arrives, I’d really like to knock this shit off to improve time management, energy management, and self confidence.
My partner is a genius at delegating decisions. He’ll offer to run to CVS to pick something up ( let’s say tampons), but when he gets there he’ll Facetime me to show options to choose from. This may sound funny or even lazy to you but apart from being cute, I now think it’s brilliant. He doesn’t want to come back with something that doesn’t fit the bill and he doesn’t want to use any brain power to try to figure out what I already know off the top of my head. He requested I screenshot specific products on my phone so he can go to the store with pictures of exactly what to get. He’d also have easy access to it for next time. This saves both of us brainpower but my initial reaction to his suggestion wasn’t a welcomed one:
Just get anything that doesn’t have an applicator, no plastic, they’re the little bullet- like tampons. Any brand is fine!
My subconscious knew that I would spend too much time debating which products and brands to screenshot, therefore displacing my frustration at him. Whereas Adam knows which decisions matter and has programmed himself to spend a minimal amount of time on those he doesn’t deem worthy of energy.
I treat a lot of decisions with the same importance. It’s fucking exhausting.
This might sound silly to you, but what it represents is not. The energy we exert on decisions of lesser importance, from bite-sized on up, compound to negatively affect those choices of greater importance, including the energy we have to do appropriate research when it is called for. Analysis paralysis is where this comes to a head. It’s an anxiety-induced, often overwhelming state of overthinking and overanalyzing to the point of significantly delaying a decision. So what can be done about it?
Know what’s worth analyzing and start acting quickly with what isn’t.
Choosing what to name my first born child and choosing which registry to go with do not deserve the same amount of brainpower. The disparity here is immediately obvious but that won’t always be the case. Some choices are obviously worth in-depth research and thought work. So ask yourself if the decision is reversible or fixable. If the answer is yes, Tim Ferris says to ditch the pro-and-con list and act fast.
If it is worth analyzing, learn to make better decisions.
If I’m debating changing careers, I might read some articles and stats on the position and then sit down to interview one or two people with the position I’m considering in order to get their experiential feedback. New York Times bestselling author Daniel Pink calls this the principle of surrogation; finding someone like you who made the decision and seeing where it took them.
Hear what your anxiety is saying, then don’t listen to it.
AP is driven by anxiety. Hear what it’s saying and do the opposite. Not sure what’s what in those thoughts of yours? Sit down with a friend to get out of your own head and ask your therapist!
Before I got pregnant, my psychiatrist told me that he’s never encountered someone who was approaching pregnancy as I was. A bit astonished, I asked what he meant. He said that it’s usually pretty binary; people are either trying for a baby or they’re not. Adam and I however, were in a gray area in between; doing what we’d always done but taking away any preventative measures while adding prenatal vitamins. “Let’s see what happens!” we said, agreeing to actually try at a certain point a matter of months down the road.
Not a lot of people have the level of self security and confidence to leave something like that to chance but you know that no matter what happens, you can and will handle it.
This sheds light on one of my two primary, personal takeaways (and goals) from this issue of Candor…
Remember confidence.
I talk myself out of my ability to do things before I have an opportunity to actually start them. But at the same time I know that I have the intellect, resources and ability to handle any resulting scenario from a decision I’ve made. From admitting fault, asking for forgiveness and openly reneging on said decision, to thriving and being proud of myself for taking the leap and facing that fear. I want to remember this.
Pregnancy is an example of this. Even though it’s physically and emotionally challenging (to the point I’ll admit I don’t like it one frickin’ bit) while also being a daunting and intimidating life change, I am doing my best and damn proud of myself! I am proud of myself for going through all the nausea and vomiting, headaches and backaches, poopless weeks (despite laxatives and suppositories), mood swings and crying spells, breathing challenges, what feels like an imploding ribcage, and depressive episodes (despite my SSRI) to start our family.
Go with my gut.
My intuition gets excited about things I want to do, whereas my anxiety steps in to tell me what I should do. Intrinsic motivation will prevail.