Starting June 2022 this newsletter will be monthly
“When you know your yes, the no is easier.”
But I wondered; what if we treated our personal lives with this level of assertiveness and conviction?
I really, really love the saying “when you know your yes, the no is easier.” I don’t know who first said it or who’s responsible for the philosophy, but they get credit for an entire fraction of my well-being.
This has been particularly powerful to me in the last few years where more existential musings have been pondered in my mind and written in my journals. Sometimes I feel as though I don’t have a good enough reason to say no to someone or to do something just because I didn’t have something else I was planning to occupy my time. This is silly, and I don’t realize it when it’s happening, only after the fact. Usually at a later date when I’m frantically trying to get something done and wondering when I could have had time to do it earlier. Or when I’m feeling a bit on edge and realize I haven’t had any “Molly time” (which I need for my sanity).
We experience this in our day to day with more blatantly obvious situations like saying no to the proposition of a meeting because of an existing meeting that would overlap. But I wondered; what if we treated our personal lives with this level of assertiveness and conviction? (My partner does this brilliantly.) Rather than allow myself to get on a tangent about boundaries (sigh) let’s look at the clarity piece as mentioned by James Clear, author of Atomic Habits.
Let’s button this shit up.
In the last edition, we identified and rated current habits and time wasters. We also, more excitingly, chose our top core values from the provided list and worksheet. In this edition, we create the goals and back them up with supporting values. So, what do you want to be? Is it a runner? An avid reader? A circus performer? An anal bead manufacturer? The sky’s the limit. Consider ultimately where you want to end up, hence saying you want to be a “reader” rather than you want to read one book a month. It’s something you want to embody. Think big picture.
Here’s the formula:
Choose a category (“domain of life”)
In “The Confidence Gap,” Russ Harris reviews the domains of life as love, work, play, and health. Rather than tackle goals in each domain simultaneously, Harris recommends assigning your values and goals to sections, and then only tackling one domain at a time.
Choose your goals
Have short, medium, and long-term goals
Are they S.M.A.R.T. goals?
Choose a supporting core value(s) and write a mission statement based on this.
This is the behind-the-scenes that keeps you moving forward and keeps you on an ethical route.
Mark Manson states that specific goals are best used for external pursuits because they’re “measurable and actionable,” it’s the equivalent of a S.M.A.R.T. goal. He goes on to explain that general goals are meant more for internal pursuits, which is where I believe the core values and mission statement come in.
“...over-reliance on specific goals can actually harm our mental health. Mixing in general goals can counteract that. Not to mention, they can actually produce even better results.10 This shows us that the best goals are the ones that help us enjoy the process instead of focusing too much on the outcome. You need both general and specific goals to do that. You need the specific outcome to get you excited (“I’m going to earn a million dollars!”). But you also need the general goal (“I’m going to become better at my work”) to stabilize that specific outcome and keep your self-esteem intact.” —Mark Manson
Applying the formula to a goal of mine:
Category: I find this subjective and already find myself overthinking it. Let’s say work, only because in thinking about the goal it feels like work, it could be relevant to the work I do and only expand opportunities for me.
Small picture = learn Spanish. Big picture = be bilingual in Spanish and English. Specific = by 2024 I would like to be able to communicate in Spanish at restaurants, while traveling, and in joining conversations with native Spanish speakers.
Short (achieve over next few days and weeks): Use Duolingo for 5 minutes a day, every week day for the next two weeks (today is complete, that’s 9 sessions to go).
Medium (achieve over the next few weeks and months): Start a Spanish class that begins in 2022 (Spanish 1 or Spanish Communication).
Long (achieve over months into years): Make a trip down to Baja in the first half of 2023 for at least two nights for Spanish immersion.
Authenticity; it feels authentic to be vulnerable, grow and set an example for my son. Courage & Adventure; it’s both intimidating and exciting to learn something new. Mental & Physical health/fitness; I’ll be making new connections and stretching my cognitive abilities. Creativity; I suspect I will feel creative satiation while learning and implementing what I learn.
Mission statement: I want to learn Spanish because I desire to be brave in my pursuit of creativity and growth, because I believe in breaking down communication barriers within my control and in my community, and because I want to set a positive and inspiring example for my son while not hoping or expecting for him what I do not hope or expect for myself.
Is it specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound? YES.
That felt powerful to me. I’m genuinely stoked I just did this exercise because I already feel more confident, empowered, and capable than I did prior to the dreaded work of writing it all out!
I think it’s relevant to bring in the last edition’s homework to finish buttoning up these goals. A couple questions to move us forward…
What time-wasting habits can I note and work to eliminate to support my new goal?
Unnecessarily check my email as often as I do on my phone, especially before I even get out of bed in the morning. Scrolling social media. Turning my alarm off and staying in bed.
What habits can I note and continue or even strengthen to support my new goal?
My meditations and morning pages exercise. Putting my phone on DND. Going back to self-care Sundays. Scheduling my days in time blocks or quadrants.
Thank you for reading! Starting June 2022 this newsletter will be monthly. Make sure you downloaded your free worksheet.
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