On the Road to "Fuck yes"
“Many people think they lack motivation, but what they really lack is clarity.”
Last weekend, I had dinner with three amazing women at an ocean front restaurant in Cardiff-by-the-Sea. We had all been in a virtual memoir writing class together based here in San Diego and this was our first time gathering in person as a little writer posse. We got to know one another on a more surface level, believe it or not, given our already in-depth look into each other's pasts and personal lives (having been in the same read and critique group).
I know that her ex-husband came out as transgender while they were together, and I have a fractional idea of what that grave experience was like for her from her storytelling, but I don’t know the first thing about her life now!
Those were the sort of thoughts I found myself having.
One of the ladies, an exuberant woman with a welcoming aura and bubbly nature (let’s call her Toni), spoke of an exercise she recently started. She free-wrote about meeting the man of her dreams; what this man was like, how he made her feel and so on. An exercise of manifestation. An exercise of asking the universe. Also, an exercise of discovery.
This is similar to a writing exercise I did on life design by Debbie Millman, a woman of many titles and accomplishments, but most notably an author, designer, podcast host and educator. This was a free-write exercise of a day in my own life, years from now (5-10), in detail from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. Mine was so long I didn’t even get to dinner! I did get as far as my kids, dogs, partner, and the quiet morning I spent in my writing room before the minions woke up, complimented by a sunrise meditation.
Just this past weekend, months after I began the exercise, Adam made a comment in conversation while we were on a drive:
“I’m building a sauna in our house someday.”
“Oh, I know you are…”
I replied as if to say “yeah yeah, you’ll get your sauna,” with a smirk. My mind immediately drifted to the writing exercise and in what seemed like a millisecond I vividly pictured the room I had started my morning in:
“And I just need my bright writing room.”
And that felt good. Just as I imagine it will feel good for Toni when she experiences what she wrote about. She will recognize those feelings since she has clarity about what she’s after. And she knows to keep her heart open for it.
“Many people think they lack motivation, but what they really lack is clarity.”
–James Clear
In last week’s edition, we reviewed goals and how we can easily self-sabotage the ones we create for ourselves. In this edition, we’ll first focus on getting clear about our current habits; making space for what will be by first identifying what is.
This is the hardest, most unfavorable part for me.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.”
Next, we’ll get clear on what we’re making space for, aka our core values—to get us closer to our Fuck yes!
This is one of my favorite parts!
Identifying What Is
What are our current habits? Which ones are favorable? Which are unfavorable? What are our time wasters?
Homework Option 1: The Habit Scorecard by James Clear
Write down a list of your daily habits from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed.
Mark either a -, +, or = next to each habit to note whether it’s a negative habit, positive habit, or neutral habit.
In differentiating between the three habit categories, ask yourself if the habit serves you in the long run, rather than the short term. Something that is serving you in the moment but is not serving you long term is a negative habit.
Homework Option 2: Overall Picture
I prefer this method, which is inspired by New York Times best-selling author Mark Manson. It’s a bit harder to pinpoint how much time is spent on each habit and activity but just take your best guess and inquire with someone in your household for feedback as well. There are tracking apps if you want to get really precise with it.
Write down your habits throughout the day (I think about a typical weekday and a typical weekend day)
Include micro i.e. making coffee
Write down the remaining activities throughout your week
Include macro i.e. Wednesday night trivia
Note how much time you spend on each item
Some might be 60 seconds, some 6 hours
Rate how rewarding each is from 0-5
For me, scrolling Instagram is a 0 whereas spending a Saturday afternoon with the memoir posse is a 5.
Identifying Core Values
Author Russ Harris of “The Confidence Gap; A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt” emphasizes defining core values as a precursor for goal setting.
“...if we want the best chance at achieving our goals, we’d do well to clarify our values first.”
–Russ Harris
He gives three primary reasons: our ability to persist when the going gets tough, for guidance, and for ongoing fulfillment as we work to achieve our value based goals.
Homework: Your Values
I’ve had life events unearth the very roots of values I believed to be concrete.
From the value list provided here, rate each value’s personal significance to you. Continue to narrow them down until you have just a dozen selected. The pros say to then narrow your top six, but I say just do your best to continue narrowing. I typically have eight or nine AND I’ve combined some of them into one!
Here are mine:
Kindness
Equality / Justice
Honesty
Authenticity
Independence & Autonomy
Creativity
Courage & Adventure
Humor
Mental & Physical Health/Fitness
It’s easier to narrow these down when you remind yourself that nothing is permanent, including your values list nor should it be. You can change these at any time and I think you should! I’ve had life events unearth the very roots of values I believed to be concrete. You will deal with that if and when it occurs (you likely already have). For now, choose what’s relevant.
I set my short, medium, and long-term goals based on these values, which is what we’ll be discussing next week!
Sources, inspiration and continued reading:
Thanks for reading!
Dang! I'm going to get so buff from these. Ready to be a better me. Thanks, auth!