The Sun Will Come Out [brighter] Tomorrow
Extended Edition: Looking at some of the most common ways we sabotage our own progress.
I could spend each day planning; creating a prospective budget on google sheets or brainstorming and writing out my short, medium, and long-term goals. When I woke up very anxious on a random Saturday not long ago, the only thing I could think to do to ease my mind was set up an entire week’s time-blocking schedule for myself (being well aware it probably wouldn’t get implemented). Adam had peered over at my spreadsheet and my deep concentration, flabbergasted at how I could find any pleasure in the ritual:
“Want to go for a hike? Let’s check out that canyon you’ve been talking about… We should get you outside. What about an ice cream sandwich?”
He knows that sunshine and food usually do the trick to wane my woes, but I was in the zone. Not breaking eye contact with my spreadsheet, I shot back:
“Don’t question my process!”
The idea of abiding by the timeslots I created for maximum productivity gave me such a sense of satisfaction. It’s a similar pleasure to the one I get when goal setting, imagining myself publishing that memoir or getting to the climbing gym twice a week, I preemptively feel gratification, as though I’m already further along on my journey to accomplishing it. Turns out, that feeling is actually contributing to my lack of progress.
In this edition of Candor, we’re going to look at some of the most common ways we sabotage our own goals, whether it be New Year’s Resolutions, this week’s to-do list, my time-blocking schedule, or the big bucket list items. Next week, we’ll focus on the upswing… what makes us more successful at accomplishing our goals. For now, here are your curated shit sandwiches to avoid, according to the pros.
This edition’s pros are James Clear, Kara Loewentheil, Tony Robbins, and Derek Sivers. James Clear is the author of “Atomic Habits” and focuses on systems and habits. Kara Loewentheil studied at both Yale and Harvard Law and is an attorney turned life coach. Tony Robbins is an author, coach, and speaker well known for his motivational speaking and self-help guidance. Derek Sivers is a writer and programmer who gave a TED Talk that we’ll be looking at. Here’s the gist of what we’ll cover in this extended edition:
Our big mouths; keep your trap shut if you want to follow through.
The sun will come out [brighter] tomorrow; perfectionism and procrastination are in cahoots.
Don’t forget the Silent “H” in the five W’s; who, what, why, when, where and HOW.
Our big mouths
We feel closer to accomplishing our goals when we’ve laid out plans for achieving them, or when we’ve told someone about our goals.
In his TED Talk, Derek Sivers debunks the “social reality” phenomenon and explains why we’re better off keeping our traps shut:
“When you tell someone your goal and they acknowledge it, psychologists have found it’s called a social reality. The mind is kind of tricked into feeling that it’s already done. Then because you’ve felt that satisfaction, you’re actually less motivated to do the hard work necessary.”
He goes on to explain what we can do to counter this– like how to rephrase our goal sharing if we can’t resist the temptation to share, and how to share for accountability's sake.
Read about that experience (or listen to the audio version) here.
The sun will come out [brighter] tomorrow; “Perfectionist brain says I’ll start tomorrow so I can do it perfectly.”
Kara Loewentheil sings her perspective in a similar tune as Derek Sivers, referring to the satisfaction that he spoke of as a “hit of dopamine.”
In my time-blocking example, I was fantasizing about what it’d be like to follow this perfectly laid out schedule (perfectionist fantasy) but rather than do what was on the schedule for that day and get started, I made an active decision to start the new schedule the following week (tomorrow thinking).
In one of her podcast episodes, “Perfectionist Fantasies and Tomorrow Thinking,” Kara states that perfectionist fantasy is “believing that if you are perfect in some area then you could finally be proud of yourself and happy.” She says that we don’t typically realize we’re being perfectionists and usually justify this inner dialogue to believe these goals to be reasonable expectations. She explains that most of us who find ourselves doing this will make elaborate plans but either never start because we’re pushing it off to “tomorrow,” or we start but don’t make it very far because of a setback.
Perfectionist brain says I’ll start tomorrow so I can do it perfectly.
Consider me the poster child for perfectionist fantasies and tomorrow thinking.
According to Kara, this can become an almost addictive cycle of creating perfectionist fantasies and then indulging in looking to the future to accomplish or even start, and I believe her. We get a hit of dopamine from thinking about what it will feel like to finally get it all done. I.e. to finally be perfect; to not raise our voice to our kids or not grab a muffin from the lunchroom or to somehow go from our typical zero gym visits a week to five overnight.
“In creating that feeling now with your brain, imagining your perfect future self makes you feel good now.”
Again, some of this has a similar ring to the satisfaction felt when sharing big goals with others i.e. the social reality phenomenon.
Years ago, I saw a skit of comedian Louis C.K. talking about his desire to give up his first class seat to military personnel on airplanes. He stated that this was a recurring opportunity, and one that he never actually acted on. The punch line was that though he never forfeited his seat for the cause, he felt really good about himself just in fantasizing about doing it.
It’s a common occurrence for me to tell myself I’m going to do something then not do it and beat myself up about it. This is what happened the following week when I didn’t follow through on my perfectly setup, down to the 20-minute interval, time-blocking schedule. As Kara says, when this happens it causes us to lose all integrity in ourselves. I’d rather be excited about starting the new schedule next week, and get the dopamine rush from the thought of it, than face the reality of having to get myself to get up and go in that moment.
Don’t forget the Silent “H” in the five W’s; who, what, why, when, where and HOW.
James Clear writes about systems (processes) and habits. Tony Robbins speaks about standards and rituals. According to Robbins, you must have rituals to support your standards. According to Clear, you must have systems to develop your habits. Whichever resonates with you more, don’t neglect to back up your goals!
When thinking about your “how,” consider the following quotes:
Systems are more important than goals.
“Everyone in the world has a list of things they should do. People don’t do their shoulds and get mad at themselves. What changes people is when your should becomes a must. When suddenly the thing you said should happen has to happen. The difference in people is their standards. Period.”
Not fulfilling your “should” is what Kara was referring to in losing all integrity in yourself. Decide which shoulds are worthy of being standards, and why.
This may sound like a word from Captain Obvious herself, but avoid setting goals without basing them on greater beliefs—standards. Don’t expect to live up to your standard without supporting habits or rituals. More on all of this next week, which I’m genuinely excited about, but for example, I base my goals on my core values. My core value of creativity means that I have a standard for myself that reflects creative work. Some of the rituals (habits) to uphold this standard are a daily writing exercise of three long-hand pages, allowing myself to daydream, drawing and coloring mandalas, coming up with unique solutions to problems, writing this newsletter, and writing a weekly member-only newsletter through my personal website (my absolute favorite thing to write!) which also supports another standard and core value of mine: humor.
To review…
Keep your big goals to yourself, but if you must share, do so in a way of asking for support and accountability while acknowledging that you have a lot of work to put in. This solidifies the work ahead and counters the preemptive satisfaction felt in sharing a dream while encouraging someone supportive to further motivate you.
Be realistic with your goals. Think bite-sized pieces.
What are your standards? Your core values and core beliefs? This is what you need in upholding your habits/rituals.
Start today. There’s no magic in tomorrow.
Keeping the conversation going…