Where Exhaustion, Acceptance, & Stand-up Comedy Collide
"I like the Play of the Day, I watch the Play of the Day, but I don’t often make the Play of the Day.”
Written the evening of Tuesday, May 3rd 2022
"I like the Play of the Day, I watch the Play of the Day, but I don’t often make the Play of the Day.” —Brene Brown
Today started like most of my second trimester days; with little urgency or ambition to rise from bed all too early but with a high expectation for the day’s to-do list. A few hours later, when my plans crashed and burned, I found myself thinking what a humorous TikTok I could make about the morning—if I made TikTok’s.
The caption would read: “A Day in the Life of a Chunkster.”
“Chunkster” being one of my partner’s nicknames for me, along with “Bub” and “Nubile” (and on one recent occasion, “housecat”).
All couples pretty much speak their own language, right?
Opening scene: pregnant woman (me) in her robe, writing out her to-do list with anticipation and preemptive satisfaction.
Red flag numéro uno.
“…some yoga, make myself a hardy breakfast, shower and put real clothes on, walk the dog, respond to work emails, relocate to a coffee shop and work on Candor’s newsletter, schedule Thursday’s work calls, call my mother-in-law, call the place about the baby thing…”
“Remember Molly, most of your days are ridden with fatigue and nausea, you’re pregnant, not superwoman… choose just three things!”
I actually believe that only three things should be chosen regardless, then anything beyond that will be processed in my mind as bonuses.
Second scene: pregnant woman (me again) crossing off her list and rewriting it… “yoga (short, don’t overdo it!), relocate to the coffee shop for work emails and Candor’s newsletter.
Third scene: multiple short clips play of pregnant woman overdoing workout, making an elaborate breakfast that calls for dirtying lots of dishes and standing for a long period, taking a shower and oiling her belly, picking out “real clothes” with care, then walking the dog wearing said clothes.
Fourth scene: pregnant woman is back at home only minutes later and slowly waddles past the full-length living room mirror. Barely keeping her eyes open, clearly exhausted, she spots herself now wearing wool socks, maternity sweatpants and an oversized long sleeve shirt with her hair in a bun, holding a box of CheezIts as she makes her way back to bed.
Final scene: phone rings, a Facetime from her partner. She answers and he asks how she is. She bursts into tears while wiping away snot with clumps of piled-up toilet paper. CheezIt crumbs have piled up on her boobs and belly.
“I overdid it today,” she utters between sobs.
The frame turns black and the screen reads: “Tuesday, 11am.”
Call it pregnancy hormones, depression, anxiety, or the likely combination of all three, it’s complete shit. When it happens, I’m usually feeling relatively okay four or five hours later, after I’ve rested and cried it out.
This is why there was no Candor published yesterday, Tuesday, aka publishing day.
I will have tried to sleep and have been unsuccessful about half the time. If I’ve fallen asleep, I’ll stay that way for at least a few hours, usually as long as I’m allowed. If I’m unable to fall asleep, my anxiety increases until it finally comes to a head and then no longer feels crippling (about that four or five hour mark).
This is still preferred to the first trimester, where I was physically sick daily for nearly one hundred days straight, while also an emotional wreck.
During these second trimester woes, I’m a big fan of avoidance and distraction; my phone will typically be on Do Not Disturb to curb that notification angst and I accomplish nothing noteworthy.
My partner would also be happy to inform you that though I don’t accomplish anything, I don’t accept this time for what it is or allow myself to embrace it either. “Watch a movie!” he’ll say, or “put on some stand-up comedy!”
Nothing gets me like a good cackle.
Later in the day he’ll include something like “why don’t you do something you enjoy? I feel like you’ve been ruminating all day.”
Rather than accept that my physical and emotional state isn’t allowing for the day I had expected, and remind myself that I am creating life inside of my body so I should give myself a fucking break, I dwell and ruminate.
Sometimes it feels like pregnancy exacerbates all my shortcomings and insecurities. It seems I am harder on myself now more than ever because there is a countdown to being someone’s fucking mom.
It occurred to me that I have never (to my knowledge) practiced acceptance in a healthy manner or in the way it’s intended to be practiced. It usually commences with my therapist requesting that I practice accepting [insert symptom, side effect, breakup, diagnosis, death]. Then, after meditating on and reading about acceptance, I realize that I have no fucking clue what acceptance actually entails and what actionable steps can move me forward. I metaphorically throw my now apathetic hands in the air and tell myself that accepting is the equivalent of throwing in the towel.
This is, undoubtedly, risk-averse, submissive, and unhelpful.
The following week when I see my therapist again, I don’t bring up acceptance, and neither does she.
So, I for one would like to learn how to start embracing stand-up comedy from bed at midday on any given Tuesday. Shall we dig in?
I’ll start with what I know to help me, then we’ll move on to the professionals…
Lose the highlight reel
I’ve been a longtime advocate of this. Sure, I’ve posted plenty (heaps, actually) on social media of photos at beautiful vistas or of me doing badass stuff, but I also post the messy, the unattractive, the unflattering.
Clearly, I also post about spending most of an entire weekday crying and ruminating in bed as a thirty-four-year-old, 22-week pregnant woman.
When I say lose the highlight reel, I mean it in all the figurative possibilities; when someone asks about your day or how you are, when someone catches you in a moment (the one where you’re closer to your worst than your best), and yes, don’t just post highlights on social media. In the midst of my crying spell while on Facetime with Adam, a friend rang in and I ended my current call to take it. The first thing I said was “you’ve caught me in a crying spell.” That is what I’m talking about.
As Brene Brown once casually mentioned in a discussion on Tim Ferriss’ podcast:
“... it’s like ESPN’s Play of the Day; there are like 5,694 pop flies missed, that means there are like 300 outfielders in a shame shitstorm…and that’s way more interesting to me … I like the Play of the Day, I watch the Play of the Day, but I don’t often make the Play of the Day.”
Note.
Being aware of my inner dialogue, my emotions, my physical state… anything that I can note is helpful in what feels like a moment of crisis, helplessness, or intimidating uncertainty. The challenge for me here is just noting. It’s being sure not to conspire with that inner dialogue to try to immediately change what is and instead, just notice. This brings me to:
Recognize the difference between accepting and agreeing.
This is where those apathetic hands like to fly up in submission.
Just because I accept something doesn’t mean I agree with it—or that I chose it or desired it. It’s especially confusing to add that accepting something doesn’t mean I want to uphold it. The professionals would even say (and do) that until we’re aware of and accept something, we can’t change it.
What the pros say to remember
Not one and done; working to accept is an ongoing practice, not a summit to be met.
Not permanent; you’re not committing to accepting it for eternity.
As I mentioned, accepting isn’t a reflection of condoning.
Actionable steps per the pros
The harder you fight a feeling or thought, the more it comes at you with vengeance.
I think we pretty much all know this to be true.
Practice detachment (remember that you’ll be okay no matter what decision you choose or what the outcome) and relinquish identity ties with what you’re working to accept (something can be true but not true about you as a person, it doesn’t have to consume you).
Notice the resistance.
“The first step towards changing any habit is simply becoming aware of its existence.”
Exercise mindfulness. Essentially, a combination of awareness and acceptance brings about mindfulness. Reading and practicing mindfulness can only help in being more content with what lies outside of our control and minimizing resistance in daily life.
Resources and additional reading:
Thank you for reading!
Thank you for sharing this.. gives me a lot to think about as I too am laying here wishing I was being productive instead of sick.. and also thinking about what you’ve written and you’ve successfully made me laugh and cry. Thank you Molly