You; Looking at What Makes Us Who We Are.

“Human beings absolutely follow through on who they believe they are … our strongest needs within our personality is to make certain that our behavior is consistent with our identity, even if..."

“Human beings absolutely follow through on who they believe they are … One of our strongest needs within our personality is to make certain that our behavior is consistent with our identity, even if the identity we hold for ourselves is negative.” —Tony Robbins

Ten years ago, I primarily identified with being a boss, a woman in a position of authority, and a committed girlfriend. Just a few years later, after abandoning that career (and most everything else) I identified myself as a single, traveling vagabond and free spirit. I soon graduated to perceiving myself as an international nomad. Throughout these seven years, there was just that one (albeit very significant) shift in my identity which pertained to lifestyle.

Gold Coast, Queensland Australia

Desert dwelling, circa 2016

Then, in about a six-month period, my self-perception shifted into a downward, compounding spiral of multiple negative beliefs.

The entanglement of these beliefs became my new identity. The relocation back to the U.S. and the halt of my travels had set the groundwork for uneasy footing. I had been ill and soon tied my identity to a Lyme disease diagnosis. The week of that diagnosis, my partner at the time was unfaithful. In response to this, I deemed myself foolish and therefore (in my mind) undeserving. When a loved one took his life a few months later, I viewed myself as worthless. The presence of trauma and the escalation of negative beliefs about myself evoked physical and emotional reactions that year, like an onset of panic and anxiety attacks. I have been working to find my footing ever since. 

“Whatever people have their identity attached to, they live… we live who we believe we are.” —Tony Robbins

It felt like years of awkwardly trying to land on my feet, only to find myself dancing atop hot coals, rhythmless (think Elaine Benes from Seinfeld).

I’m on solid, grassy ground now and grateful for it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not perusing the pasture. As the countdown to motherhood continues, so does my barefoot mulling.

A conversation with my partner, Adam, the morning before this newsletter was published was coincidentally centered around identity.

He has witnessed the work I’ve done and the work I’m now doing these months before our first child is born (which also comes with the relatively counterproductive behavior of feeling frenzied under deadline!). 

Our discussion took place while swinging our clasped hands at our sides as we strolled with the dog, me already in tears (hormones, let’s say). Adam lovingly said that this time is an opportunity for us to reinvent ourselves, for us to be whoever we want to be for him (our son), and whoever we want to be as parents. 

“He doesn’t know you yet,” he said about our son with conviction.

Adam’s statement summed up exactly how I’ve felt about bettering myself since I found out we were expecting—albeit in a more creative, succinct and optimistic way than I had. Sure, this has been an ongoing journey of self for years now and he’s aware of that. The journey to bettering yourself never ends (at least, I don’t think it should) and we’re both in the know that this new chapter is unique.

Our 2021 Christmas card that hit mailboxes a couple weeks before we found out we were adding a third human to our family.

We all tie certain behaviors to our identity.

Statements like “it’s just who I am” or “that’s not who I am,” or “I’m not that kind of person” aren’t foreign to me–my guess is that they’re not foreign to you either. When it comes to the behaviors we act out and the stories we tell ourselves, it seems to be a bit like the chicken and the egg. If we as humans, as Tony Robbins stated, are in need of acting consistently with who we believe ourselves to be, for better or worse, then is it the belief or the behavior that comes first? 

At first glance, it would seem the belief would come first and then the action. But upon looking a bit deeper at this it seems to me that the behavior would come first. That behavior would then plant the seed for thoughts about what it says about us. I see this similarly to the way that self-help author Mark Manson sees motivation; it’s not motivation then action, it’s action then motivation. The action needs to come first because that creates the momentum, whereas if you wait to feel motivated you will likely be waiting forever. If I make a mistake by doing something I’m not proud of, it is one thing to note that it was out of character because it was selfish. It’s another animal entirely to tell myself that because I did something selfish I am selfish. Therefore holding that belief and judgment about myself, telling myself that I’m that kind of person.

“If you talked to others the way you talk to yourself, would you have any friends?” –Rick Warren

This is where story vs fact comes into play. 

I had a therapist a few years back who asked: “Who was it that told you that your thoughts are true?” 

Can’t you just feel that question in your gut? 

This blew my fucking mind. 

The thoughts I was having were stories, not facts. It’s not an uncommon therapeutic exercise to ask yourself “is this fact or story?” to talk yourself down from the metaphoric ledge of self-defeating thoughts. 

“The only thing that’s keeping you from getting what you want is the story you keep telling yourself.” –Tony Robbins

Self-awareness is a start.

I’m easily overwhelmed when I start reading most anything on the self help spectrum. I often need to piecemeal these big picture items in therapy. 

When I use the technique “noting” I become aware of my inner dialogue, even when I have no fucking clue what to do about it or how to change it. In order to even think about changing what is, I need to know what is. Noting and awareness of our perceptions, beliefs and actions (including negative and positive self-talk) seems to be a sufficient and healthy place to start in order to be our authentic selves and improve self-image–at the very least to take an honest look inward! It would seem that once we do that we can work to close the gap between where we are and where we hope to be. 

Closing questions and thoughts… 

So, what makes us who we are? Is it the events in our lives and our reactions to them, and thoughts about them? Does it come down to what our most consistent behaviors are? What about the meaning of our experiences and how they shape our values? Is it how we perceive our behavior and the stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves? 

• Ask yourself if it’s fact or story to de-escalate 

• Ask your therapist about cognitive distortions 

• Some not so light reading on habit and identity

• A little bit about Noting

Thank you for reading!